The porch of our family home in Idyllwild is the photograph for this blog. It was a place to sit contemplating big decisions and savoring moments of solitude. It lives in my memory now, a part of the collective of our life together.
I’ve been dancing through different stages with the kidney issue for some time now. Fourteen years on an inappropriate
prescription drug left me needing a kidney transplant back in 2008. Through a strong mix of motivation and miracle, I got up to
30% function and maintained a GFR (globular filtration rate, the measure of renal function) until 2016, after my husband and I
relocated to the central California coast.
While Bob developed a series of illnesses, I had my own health challenges including two failed dialysis surgeries in my left
arm. The three years of caregiving my husband through open heart surgery, Parkinsons and dementia yielded lessons in patience,
faith and unconditional love—for both of us.
After the passing of my soul partner in 2019. there were three more years of difficult decisions: the sale of our mountain home, the
reconstruction of the beach home, the strange times of Covid………..
Then came a time of soul searching the summer of 2022 while having informative flashbacks and moving through PTSD.
I had reached a crossroad on my birthday. I learned who and what I truly was— full disclosure on that later.
I had to be in a healing cocoon for a few months before I grew my wings back again.
This time the wings seemed to be made of stained glass on steel. But even steel breaks under pressure. There were many pressures.
I had become a spiritual diamond from hard core coal, yet there was a definite crack in the system. I was reminded of the poetical
message of Rumi and Leonard Cohen…The Crack is the way that the Light gets in.
Stage five symptoms have caused more than a few cracks. However, my path does not include another surgery which will lower
my kidney function with no promise of improving it. I do not choose “status quo” with a few more years of declining function with
a nightly artificial support system. ( I honor those who do choose it but I follow a divergent direction.)
I CHOOSE LIFE FULL ON.
The fear of death does not intimidate me. If it did, my near death experience in 1979 pretty much dissolved that. I share the belief
that the body is an amazing vehicle of the spirit with guidance from an extremely intelligent Source.
I may live alone, but I am not going through this alone. I have been assembling an impressive support team of alternative and
regular doctors, magnificent healers, intuitive therapists, and am receiving the compassionate assistance of the local Hospice of
San Luis Obispo and their wonderful counselors and volunteers.
I have informed my new friends at hospice that I am going to get well, surpassing the normal expectations and becoming the
vibrant being I was meant to be.
I have started up the blogging again for a two fold purpose: to keep an account of my journey to wellness and also to encourage
others to follow their true heart’s desire, to lead them to the joy of life however they picture that.
My picture is still not complete but I have put the pentimento of my scars on the paper and am adding colors daily to the design.