kidney issues

I took this photograph at the tidelands of Morro Bay in October of 2019.shortly after my husband Bob had passed..I was struck by the striations of light and dark above and below the horizon. I beamed in my own foreground light. I visit this spo6 often as it is a place where past, present, and future meet for me. Photo Credit to KATHLEEN DANA HAINE

HOLDING THE LINE: WHERE THE LIGHT MEETS WITH THE DARKNESS ON THE HORIZON

It was a long winter to get to spring and Easter time again. I marvel at the movement of time. Sometimes it’s a blurry burst of weeks. Then again, one moment seems to hold a whole lifetime. Personally, I prefer the one elongated moment time slots where time disappears and there’s just peace.

Ever since I was a little girl, I couldn’t”t fathom how the ocean held up the sky or how Heaven kept the Earth secure on the water line.It seemed that the horizon had a much more difficult job than Atlas of mythology did. He only had to hold the world on his back as a geometrical solid. The horizon has to hold the line and pressure points flexibly steady, far beyond the apex of the Earth …..as well as the countering the internal push from the molten core below.

Sometimes, we humans are like that too. Tasks may seem impossible, unbearable, and singularly borne. However, the shift that changes the horizon marker is learning, accepting and finally knowing that virtually NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE or totally unbearable, but feels lighter than air when others assist or we change the burden into something else. This may involve asking for help. The something else is what I am concerned with today.

Since the last blog of mine, I have not only held the horizon but pushed it higher. I cannot accept the numbers on tests or labs, or any guidelines I get anymore; they are just guide–lines and indications of where I have been. They don’t define me NOW, and do not control my future. The light can greet the dark with unusual results as I recently learned on a trip to the local emergency room.

I found it interesting that when I was in the hospital getting hydration treatment and checking out the “damage” Covid had done in the last few weeks, my labs were the best scores I’d gotten in years for kidney function and other health issues. I was not only above end stage renal failure, but above a 20 GFR reading, comfortably into Stage Four.

This leads to point #1…..Things aren’t always logical. Other factors are involved.

The #2 point came to me concerning all the personal and collective losses, recent deaths, and dissolvements within the last four month season. Life doesn’t seem fair sometimes.

To that I would reply, when you only see from the linear viewpoint you’re holding, you can’t see what’s above or below. If you don’t have input from the other{s} involved, your reference point is askew. You’re on the horizon, and you can’t take in what’s above and below you all at the same time.The light and the dark meet… but if you’re on the line where it’s blended the aspects appears blurred.You have to see with the mind of the Omniscient…..and that’s a tall order.

This is when when I use FAITH, the “substance of things unseen” by my current eyes. It is the antidote for what feels like darkness yet a ways from the dawn. I can still know that the answer, the message, the lesson, the love, the light are there. I don’t have to fully understand it all.

I was going to continue with point #3 and possibly #4, but I realize the tides of time are encouraging me to finish at a future date. It’s time to rest for now.

I hope to greet you where we can meet on the shoreline of a not-so-distant horizon.

The porch of our family home in Idyllwild is the photograph for this blog. It was a place to sit contemplating big decisions and savoring moments of solitude. It lives in my memory now, a part of the collective of our life together.

I’ve been dancing through different stages with the kidney issue for some time now. Fourteen years on an inappropriate

prescription drug left me needing a kidney transplant back in 2008. Through a strong mix of motivation and miracle, I got up to

30% function and maintained a GFR (globular filtration rate, the measure of renal function) until 2016, after my husband and I

relocated to the central California coast.

While Bob developed a series of illnesses, I had my own health challenges including two failed dialysis surgeries in my left

arm. The three years of caregiving my husband through open heart surgery, Parkinsons and dementia yielded lessons in patience,

faith and unconditional love—for both of us.

After the passing of my soul partner in 2019. there were three more years of difficult decisions: the sale of our mountain home, the

reconstruction of the beach home, the strange times of Covid………..

Then came a time of soul searching the summer of 2022 while having informative flashbacks and moving through PTSD.

I had reached a crossroad on my birthday. I learned who and what I truly was— full disclosure on that later.

I had to be in a healing cocoon for a few months before I grew my wings back again.

This time the wings seemed to be made of stained glass on steel. But even steel breaks under pressure. There were many pressures.

I had become a spiritual diamond from hard core coal, yet there was a definite crack in the system. I was reminded of the poetical

message of Rumi and Leonard Cohen…The Crack is the way that the Light gets in.

Stage five symptoms have caused more than a few cracks. However, my path does not include another surgery which will lower

my kidney function with no promise of improving it. I do not choose “status quo” with a few more years of declining function with

a nightly artificial support system. ( I honor those who do choose it but I follow a divergent direction.)

I CHOOSE LIFE FULL ON.

The fear of death does not intimidate me. If it did, my near death experience in 1979 pretty much dissolved that. I share the belief

that the body is an amazing vehicle of the spirit with guidance from an extremely intelligent Source.

I may live alone, but I am not going through this alone. I have been assembling an impressive support team of alternative and

regular doctors, magnificent healers, intuitive therapists, and am receiving the compassionate assistance of the local Hospice of

San Luis Obispo and their wonderful counselors and volunteers.

I have informed my new friends at hospice that I am going to get well, surpassing the normal expectations and becoming the

vibrant being I was meant to be.

I have started up the blogging again for a two fold purpose: to keep an account of my journey to wellness and also to encourage

others to follow their true heart’s desire, to lead them to the joy of life however they picture that.

My picture is still not complete but I have put the pentimento of my scars on the paper and am adding colors daily to the design.